[Post Zambia]

For the past 6 weeks I have been in a mild depression. Every day I would find my mind thinking of the kids in Zambia and how I wasn't with them. I missed them terribly. I cried to God a lot, not understanding why I was here, and not seeing my purpose. I talked jokingly with people from my team about dropping out of school and going back together. But there was such seriousness in my heart. I was deeply discontent here. I was terribly lonesome. And I thought being with those kids would make me better. With them, I could be happy again.

Slowly the Lord started working in me. I realized none of this was going to get better without Him. So, one day when my heart felt like it was going to break in two, I went straight to Him. I closed my eyes and imagined walking up to my (heavenly) Daddy, holding my heart in my hands. I lifted it up to Him and said, "Daddy, my heart hurts so much. Can you fix it?" He pulled me into His arms and said, "I already am Beloved."

After that, I experienced moments where I felt God hugging me. Not in the literal sense, but through things people would say to me. On days where I would think, "God, You've put such a clear desire in my heart to serve those in other countries. Why-are-you-keeping-me-here??" a friend would send me a message saying, "You are such a blessing in my life. Just thought you should know." I hated/secretly loved when the Lord would do that and say, "This is why."

A couple weeks went by and I was still very much dissatisfied being here. I love the people in Rock Hill, but if given the choice I still would have gotten on a plane to Zambia in a heartbeat. I missed the dancing, the singing, the smiles, and the realness of everything. I saw God working there so clearly and so incredibly that living here seemed mediocre. Living in a nice apartment, with a car, a computer, a shower, and clean clothes didn't seem like I could be taking part in "real" ministry. I felt spoiled and yet at the same time I found myself becoming more selfish and less concerned with the people around me. I wanted to be with the kids in Zambia. I wanted to serve them. I thought, "What could God do here? People are so blind to Him. They don't want to see because they are so caught up in themselves." And in that same thought I would say, "Lord, I'm just going to go back to Zambia. I may wait till I graduate, but I'm just going to go back. That's where I want to be and that's where you're really working in people's lives." I was clueless as to how bitter I was being and to how blind I really was.

On Wednesday that week, I went to help with the middle school youth group. Everything went well. As the kids got into their cars, Sophie (whose house we meet at) and I waved good bye to them. After they all left, she asked me how I was doing. I decided to be honest with her, and not answer with the usual, "I'm doing okay" that I had become so accustomed to saying. I told her about my dissatisfaction, my heartache, and my struggle in not knowing why I was here. She reminded me of the impact I had on the kids in the youth group and then asked if she could pray for me. I had no idea how the Lord would use her to pierce my selfishness and open my eyes. One thing she said that struck me was, "Lord, if Amanda goes back to Zambia now, You-will-not-be-with-her. Because You are doing work here." Whooohh. If I choose to go against where the Lord has called me (here) and go to Zambia right now, He-won't-be-with-me. He-will-not-support-my-rebellion, even if it is to love on orphans.

The next day I went to CRU. People had asked me if I was going, and while I didn't really want to go and be a part of community here, I went to avoid their questions of "Aww...Why not?" All throughout the sermon that night, the speaker referenced things that made me think of Zambia. My eyes filled with tears as he began to talk about the Lord's prayer in talking to us about how to pray. I thought how we had taught that to the kids and how eager they were to learn it. My heart began to hurt again. It tightened with pain. The speaker then referenced verses that happened to be a couple of the memory verses we learned with the kids. I remembered them saying with precious Zambian accents, "How great is the love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God." "This-is-too-much," I thought. I was almost in tears. I put my head in my hands and asked, "God, why would you bring up so much from Zambia? Why would you do this when it hurts so much?" He said....gently, yet clearly, "So you can see that I am here too. I am doing things here, Beloved. And I want you to be a part of them."

I was quieted by the Lord that night. I still am in reading those words again. Through this I have learned so many things, but mainly that my desire to go back to Zambia overshadowed my deep desire to serve the Lord. I went from saying, "Oh God, if I could have the tiniest role in Your plan, then I would be so honored. Doing something for You would be the greatest thing I could ever do!!" to essentially saying, "God, if Your plan doesn't include precious Zambian children, then I don't want any part in it. They are what makes me happy." It has taken 6 weeks of pain and struggle for me to learn that. And while I still miss the kids everyday, my joy does not come from them; It comes from the Lord. He reminds me of that each day now as He shows me people I can reach out to and love HERE. I am so thankful for the work He has done in me and the work that He will continue to do.

Praise be to God.

[Check This Out]

I made a video to offer a better glimpse of what Zambia was like. Check it out here:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=2009924976447

[Some Things I Learned]

I'm on the way to the states now. I'm trying to process all that happened in Zambia and all that God wanted to teach me.

1. I think of the Mamas and the beautiful example they set for all of us. They are truly servants of God. They are up EVERY MORNING before 4:30 so they can worship and pray for us, the kids, and for Zambia. Every day they served like no one I've ever seen. It was obvious that "The joy of the Lord is their strength." They made our meals, took care of the kids at the orphanage, while some even served as translators at camp during the day! At night they would stay up after we went to bed and wash all of our dishes so we could eat on them the next morning. These are INCREDIBLE WOMEN OF GOD! I so want to be like them. I want to serve like them. I want to seek after God like them.

2. Next, I think of the kids, or the fourteen year olds I got to know at camp. I think of how big their smiles despite their struggles: not having enough food, physical pains, the loss of parents, and medical issues like suffering from malaria. I am smacked in the face with my own blessings, and lack of struggles. My heart sinks as I realize how little I glorify God with what I have been graciously given. For example, I have been given money so that I can bless others, yet most often I use it to further bless myself. Ouch. My first thought after this was, "Oh...well if I give my money away, I won't be able to have fun or enjoy things, or treat myself. This calling doesn't seem too great God." Geeze. COULD I BE ANY MORE SELFISH? Thankfully, God doesn't call doesn't leave us with sad or un-fun lives. I'm realizing it's quite the opposite. By giving and using what God has blessed us with, we enter into a deeper, more meaningful place. Instead of being half satisfied by attempting to fill ourselves with "happiness", God brings us fulfillment and great joy when we are selfless and put others before ourselves.

3. Another thing I've learned in Zambia is how little time we actually have with people. In the US, it is easy to get lazy in our evangelism or in ways we reach out to people. We think, "Oh, I'll talk to them later. I want to do this first." That's the way it's been with me at least. When we get caught up in our day to day routine, we forget that each moment matters. We need to declare the Gospel boldly with the radical, self-giving love that was first shown to us by Christ. It's people's lives we are dealing with. It's a matter of life and death. I'm not saying to make a show of things or be like televangelists. I'm saying that talking with someone about Jesus, or showing them love are not things we need to put off until a "better time". The time is now.

4. I learned that Zambians value relationships...much more than Americans. They will talk with you for an hour even if it means not getting everything they wanted to done. Talking with you and getting to know you is more important than an agenda. With school, or as with anything, it is not an easy thing to apply here in the States. However, it should at least serve as a reminder about what we should focus on. If relationships with people are not our priority, then what are we saying to those around us? Essentially, it's like saying that I don't care about your life, your heart, or your future. That may seem a little extreme, but it's at least something to think about.

[MAG Love]

A couple of girls from my tent wrote in my journal about how I impacted them. In the beginning, I remember feeling SO unprepared to encourage and lead a group of girls. Even during the time that I was leading, I would think, "Oh my goodness, I can't believe they gave me this position." Although, we were late to most meetings...in the end I was able to help them in some way or another, so in my mind...it was a success. :) Thanks be to God!!

"So you really are the best MA. No doubt about it. You were so personable and loving and open. You knew when to push me and you knew how to do it. You were such an amazing leader and an awesome example to follow. Whenever I was having a hard time you were always there with a hug. You were such an encouragement to me!"

"Firstly, I love you. You were definitely the best MA a girl could ever have. You showed us God's love this summer. You were constantly listening to everything that I had to say, giving amazing advice along the way. You helped me to open up about my dad and work through all of the issues that went along with that. You were an amazing older sister to me this summer. I love you so much. You have made such an impact on my life."

[July 31- Worship.]

This morning I woke up at 4:30 to go pray and worship with the mamas and others at the church nearby. Most mornings the glorious sound of their voices would wake me up. I would sometimes sit up and listen, or stand outside my tent and look at the stars before I went back to sleep for another hour. Today, Ambrey,Rebecca, and I joined them. We walked into the small building with dirt floors and found rocks/bricks to sit on along the wall. Mama Marie, being the saint that she is, led us in worship. Together we sang songs about how great and wonderful God is. We thanked Jesus for saving us. We sang about how God is faithful all the time, every day, every hour. We praised Him for being the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Creator, Redeemer, Provider! I realized during that time how I had not been seeing God for who He really is. I had not been praising Him with all of myself. Before, I thought and prayed more for myself during worship than I praised and worshiped God. Geeze!! I am so thankful that through this trip God has showed me and reminded me how worthy He is. He sent His son to die on a cross for me so that I could know Him. I realized how He is so worthy of all of my praise.

He is so worthy.

[July 30]

Everything feels so surreal. Is it true that I danced and sang about God with Zambians? Did I really see smiles, tears, healings, and lives change? Yes, I most certainly did. As we ride to our safari, I think back at all that has happened...I look out the window at the countryside and try to engrain the image into my mind.

This is Africa. This is Zambia.

[July 29]

Despite the other day being so encouraging with so many people getting healed, freed, delivered, etc, yesterday was pretty discouraging. I feel like I am sowing seeds in rocky ground with this group of kids. I give out all that I know, but I see no change. It's like they don't hear us or don't care. I don't understand. I trust that God has a good plan for these kids whether it is now or many years down the road. I trust that I am being used in some way to further this His kingdom even if I cannot see it with my group of kids.

This afternoon after camp our team leaders encouraged us to write down things we have learned or things we want to change or do differently when we return home. Here's my list.

When I get home I WILL...

-meet with God each morning

-have an accountability partner to ask me/encourage me about my quiet times

-seek ways in which I can serve others

-spend my time and money wisely, in ways that glorify the Lord

-remember the need to be mission focused

-talk about the Lord more with my family and friends

-stretch myself in ways that I am reminded of my need for the Lord and my inability to do anything without Him

[July 28-People. Get. Healed.]

Yesterday, I witnessed the healing of a 6 year old little blind girl named Teala. SHE WAS BLIND, BUT NOW SHE CAN SEE!!! Praise the LORD!!! After camp ended our group decided to pray for Teala. We gathered around her and began to pray. After awhile, one of the translators asked her to open her eyes and try to describe what she saw. She opened them and COULD SEE!!! She made out the design of some of the children's school uniforms. They turned her around to where most of our group was standing and she said, "Muzungus" meaning "white people". It.was.incredible. Her grandmother made her way to the inner circle where Teala was and raised her hands to the sky. She began to cry and praise God. Teala cried too as she could see her grandmother for the first time in her life. They embraced in the most beautiful hug I've ever seen. Man, Jesus is good.

After people saw that Teala was healed, more and more people wanted to be prayed for. Our team split up with translators and started praying for people. I helped pray for a little boy named Friday who had been mute for many years. It all started one day when he had what they thought was a seizure. After that day, he could not talk, other than say "Mocha bwanji" (meaning good morning) over and over to people. It was thought that he was possessed by a demon because his seizures and inability to talk had come on so suddenly. We prayed and prayed. Mama Marie then went up to him and tried to get him to sound out one word. Jesus. "Yesu," she said, "Yeeeehhh-su" sounding it out slowly with her lips. And sure enough Friday began to say it for himself. "Yehhhsu." A big grin lit up his face. He began to repeat Jesus' name over and over as he grinned. Friday does not have any more seizures and can now talk. This is the Truth people! This-actually-happened. This-is-real-life.

I also helped pray for a woman who said her heart had been hurting her. I prayed with one of the team leaders, Liz. My hand was resting on her shoulder and Liz's was on her heart. As we began to pray, I could feel the woman's heart racing incredibly fast. I thought she must be nervous. However, as soon as Liz spoke for PEACE to come, it IMMEDIATELY slowed down. We asked the translator to ask her how she felt and he said that she did not feel any more pain!! I was completely blown away to actually feel someone be healed.

Despite all the healings that I experienced or saw as they happened around me, I still struggled with comprehending all of it. I guess that's why they call it a miracle. Before yesterday I had never seen anyone healed. I usually doubted healings that I heard about. I didn't think that God still did those things today, but I am here to say now that He does!! Being a psychology major and having learned about what all has to happen just right in order for our bodies, our brains, our ears, our eyes, etc to work properly has made it difficult, even now, to wrap my mind around what has happened...and happened within minutes. I have come to a point though that whether I can explain it or not, a girl who was blind can now see, other people who were deaf can now hear, a boy who could not talk can now speak. Those are the facts that lay before me now. I know this now to be Truth.

[July 27- Everything Isn't Wonderful.]

Ok, despite my eagerness to get to know this new group...yesterday was pretty rough. They seemed energetic at first, but now they aren't really responding. My mind can't help but think of those I met and fell in love with last week. My heart is still longing to see them and give them a hug. Yet, the Lord has placed me here with these kids for a reason. I want to get to know this new group and be present with them. I'm praying that God would make room in my heart for them...because right now my heart is hurting.

I'm pretty worn out this morning, but after reading 2 Corinthians 6:3-10 I am excited to be worn out! These kids are worth me giving everything within me!!

We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

Dang. Preach it Paul!! :)

[July 26]

I miss my mom this morning. The leaders have been telling me I could call home for the past 3 days, but because we have so many people, it's taken longer than expected. Today, we unfortunately had to wake up at 5:30 again...not the later time like we had hoped! Apparently not all the kids have exams in the mornings. I'm looking forward to hanging out with this new group of kids. From what I could tell they seemed to be more energetic than when I first met the kids last week. Our translator, Simon, is a hoot. He likes to take part in dramas in his free time. haha He's fun. Yesterday he showed me his house from the field we have camp on. It's a small hut up on a beautiful hill...surrounded by mango trees! He said people all the way from Lusaka (about a 40 minute drive) will come to buy his mangoes. Pretty cool, eh?? Simon also told me about his wife and 4 children. His wife is only a few years older than me! Crazy!

Today, Philippians 2 is helping keep me on track.

Philippians 2:3-5

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

[July 25- Merry Christmas! We get to sleep in!]

It's Christmas here at Every Orphan's Hope!! Bottles are hung around what we call the 'Family Room' along with snowflakes and a "Christmas tree". It's fun and festive. Everyone is extra happy this morning because we got to sleep in until 7 o'clock (instead of waking up at 5:30 like we did for camp last week!). Because some of the kids have examinations, we are starting camp a little later.

Praise God!!

Psalm 71: 15-16

My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

Today I pray that the Lord would open the hearts of the kids we will be with this week. I pray that our hearts would be open to Him too so that we can be listening for the Shepherd's voice and His Spirit. We are His servants and we are longing to serve Him.

Psalm 71:23

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you - I, whom you have redeemed.

1 John 3:16-18

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay our lives down for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

[July 23]

Yesterday was the last day of camp. Here are a few things said that really struck me.

"I will see you again in heaven, Amanda."

"I want to dance and cry at the same time."

-"Nikukonda" -me

-"I love you" -Idah

I sit here completely at a loss for words. I am struck with joy and heartbreak at the same time. I am praying fervently for my group of kids. Pour our Your love onto all the children we met! Bless them! Stir up their hearts to seek You, to talk about You! Lord, don't let me forget their smiles, their laughs, their cries.

I lift these kids into the Lord's hands. I pray that He keeps them forever in His safe, loving hands.

Isaac Mumba

Kelvin Chanda

Keagan Chipembele

Njekwa Lumano

Edify Zulu

Smack Kunda

James Siwila

Kelvin Chisemga

Charity Daka

Elizabeth Miyanda

Treeza Muyoba

Idah Chatenga

Extrida Mwale

Psalm 11:14

But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

[July 22]

Today, I'm praying for the kids in my group. I pray they will grow to know the Lord more and more and that their love for Him would flourish. I pray that they remain confident of what happened to them just the other day.

I've already begun to think about how it will be to leave this group of kids, my new little brothers and sisters in Christ. Just the thought of it breaks my heart. I pray that the Lord would keep them company and be with them always. I am really praying that the Lord reminds them of our love for them and His love for them. I trust that they rest safely in His hands.

I TRUST HIM. I TRUST HIM. I TRUST THE LORD.

Luke 6:20-21, 23

Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven.

[July 21-Welcome to the Family]

Yesterday, the kids in my group accepted Jesus as their Savior!!! I can hardly describe how happy my heart is! Unfortunately though...for reasons I don't know, I wasn't there when it happened. I know! Of all times I had to miss, I missed the time my group became Christians!! What happened was that over the past few days I had been developing a cold. I decided to leave the group just before the morning lesson and rest. I went to one of the cleared out classrooms where we were keeping all of our supplies and curled up on the floor. There, I slept for a few hours. When I woke up I had a few sweatshirts draped over me. (such a nice yet probably unsanitary act of kindness) I got up and found Sarah, my team leader, to see what had happened since I had been asleep. She said, "Well....your whole group accepted Christ!" My mouth dropped. I was ecstatic and then suddenly disappointed that I wasn't there to witness it...however, the happiness still overshadowed the feeling that I missed out. I returned to my group a few minutes later. I looked for a change in them and to my surprise I saw it! It was subtle, but I could tell there was a softness about their eyes that wasn't there before. Their smiles seemed bigger and were displayed more freely. I knew as I looked at each of them that they had changed. The Lord had changed them.

Soon after I got there it was time for lunch, so we headed back to the school building to line up. My group member, Candice, came up to me and told me that they had all prayed for me, the kids included. I was delighted and thanked her. I did feel much better. Praise be to God! One boy named Kelvin, who until this point had been slightly distant, came up to me twice and asked me, "Amanda, how do you feel? How are you doing?" My heart surged with gladness as I told him how much better I was feeling.

I went to lunch yesterday on top of the world. Even now, I smile and think, "Look! Look what the Lord has done!!" But that wasn't even all that happened! Later that afternoon we asked the group how they knew that God loved them. A boy named Smack said, "I know God loves me because he sent you to tell me about how Jesus died to save me." Katie, Candice, and I just looked at each other in amazement. They get it. I'm blown away.

I most wish now that everyone from home could see these kids. I wish they could see their excitement to learn how to pray...could see how Kelvin, who tries to be so cool, will break out into a beautiful full grin when you smile at him,...or how the girls' faces light up when you encourage them as they learn their memory verses. I wish you all could hear their stories of struggling...how some don't have enough food, how some suffer from malaria, and how others have dealt with losing a mother or father. It's heart breaking. By the time we leave for the day though, we have sung countless songs about how good God is, "OH HE'S SO GOOD!", about how God's love is so powerful and wonderful that it overwhelms us, and about how there is no one, there's no one like Jesus!

My heart rejoices. I don't want to leave.

[July 20]

I trust in my Father's power. I trust in His great and mighty love. Today I am asking God that He would speak clearly through Candice, Katie, and myself. I can see how these kids need the Lord. They need hope. They need love. I pray that I would be used to show them God's love, and not just my own. I pray that the three of us would work to be a united team as the trinity presents one powerful, united front. Use us Lord!!

[July 19]

I have so many thoughts on my mind today. I am here to teach a group of 14 year olds about Jesus. Upon meeting them the other day, they seemed quite similar to American teenagers: quiet and stand off-ish. Awesome. Slightly intimidating. I wonder so many things about them and about their lives. I have many hopes for their future. I ask God, "Father, what name will these kids call you? Will they call you Abba Father, Savior, my Hope?" I pray pray pray that they do. I pray that their hearts are opened and the great love of Jesus will be revealed to them.

In Hosea it says...

I will call them 'my people' who are not my people; and I will call her 'my loved one' who is not my loved one.

I pray that the God of the universe, the God of the fatherless will bring these kids into His arms and invite them into His family. I pray that I can be used to show them compassion and love.

[July 17-Dancing]

It's really cold this morning and two of the girls in my MAG are sick. I'm praying a lot for healing. With the amount of training that we are doing, being sick makes your days down right difficult.

Last night I danced and praised Jesus with the little kids at the orphanage. Just thinking about it brings a great smile to my face. It was one of the greatest things I think I've ever done. It really made me see how my heart has been out of worship. In that moment I felt it come back. Whatever seemed to be keeping me from really worshipping melted away. The children's voices encouraged me, and set my heart free to WORSHIP and praise the glorious God I serve!

Psalm 147:10-11 is speaking wonders to me today.

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

My works or "good" deeds don't please God. How could they? The best I could ever do is like filthiness in comparison to His pure and wonderful holiness. I'm so thankful today to be reminded that my strength, stamina, and good deeds are not going to be measured or judged. My faith and trust in Him is what pleases Him! That's a huge weight lifted!

[July 16]

Today, I have been humbled again. I am quickly realizing how I am trying to do things on my own and not with the help of God. I am becoming frustrated with the seemingly endless VBS training and a group member who feels like we are over preparing and wants to wing everything. I'm acting out of my own strength and failing. I pray that I would start acting out from the Lord's Spirit, keeping my focus on Him.

Psalm 145:8

The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

[July 15-Training]

Yesterday was a L-O-N-G day. After hours and hours of VBS training, my positive attitude turned negative. I was tired and worn out. Thankfully, God had everything planned! He gave me rest and an outlet to just sit and chill for a couple hours. Sarah, my team leader, invited the MA's (missionary advisors) to her tent to make journals. We decorated them with neat paper and stickers she had brought. It was nice to talk to people my own age for a change! (or at least people who I'm not in charge of) Then, last night we had "MAG time" where we got to sit in our tents and just hang out with our group. Sarah peeked in when we had just claimed we were having "crush-aholics anonymous". hehe She came in and joined as we talked about boys and past experiences. It was a blessing to see the girls' hearts and learn more about them.

Today in training I learned a little saying: "North Americans wear the watches, Zambians have the time." I totally believe this as all the adults and kids just want to talk and get to know us. It's a wonderful difference than how things are in the US. I also learned how you say good morning and good afternoon(which is used as any other time other than the morning).

Pronounced like:

-Mocha-bwan-gee! (Good morning! How are you?)

-Bwee-no! (I am well!)

-Moo-lee-bwan-gee (Good morning! How are you?)

-Bwee-no! (I am well!)

I also learned how to talk about God to the Zambian people in a way that they can best relate. Apparently, in western culture, we view things as being right or wrong. In Asia, things are viewed as bringing honor or shame. Here in Africa, it's about fear or power. Our teaching is going to be told in such a way that shows how God has power over fear. Cool, eh? I thought so anyway.

Other little tidbits that I wrote down from our sessions was:

- Give children what they need, not what they want. Although we may want to give them our shoes or extra shirts, our main purpose is to offer them what they need, which is Jesus.

- Let people see that you have been with Jesus.

- God wants to use you and speak to you more than you want.

[July 14-This is Africa.]

Today is our first full day in Africa. I woke up at 4:30 this morning to the beautiful sound ow women singing in the distance. They were praising the Lord, singing hallelujah over and over again! It was one of the most amazing things I've ever heard. What was even greater was that these women, or "mamas" as they are called, made and served us our breakfast this morning. I want a heart like theirs, the heart of a servant.

I'm learning today how worthy God is of praise. I'm also learning how unworthy I am to even serve Him or to bear his name! So often my actions don't reflect the love, grace, patience, or compassion that wonderfully show God's character. My own sin and selfishness gets in the way. Yet somehow, and thankfully the Lord still calls me Beloved.

Physically, I sit in this new place today, listening to the children I will later meet laugh and play. Figuratively, I am sitting at the feet of my God in complete awe of who He is and what He has done. Praise be to God!

[July 13]

I am so thankful for friendship and for the new community I have been blessed with!! I really cannot stop thanking God! He has given me such beautiful fellowship, and surrounded me with hearts that deeply desire to know Him. I am blessed.

Along the sides of the plane are small windows. The pilot asked if we could close the shades to conserve energy. So, here I sit in darkness...all the lights turned out except the no smoking and bathroom symbols. A moment ago someone opened their window ever so slightly and half the cabin was flooded with light! It's bright and sunny outside but I would not have known because no one had lifted their shades since take off many hours ago. This made me think of how things were before coming on this trip. Before, I felt very separated from those I cared for most. A few weeks before I left to go to training in Texas I told a boy who I had been considering dating that I didn't want to date him. I won't go into the details, but his response was to draw back and not talk to me. I understood why he wouldn't want to hang out anymore since I didn't want to date him, but I was caught off guard by the extent to which he disappeared from my life. It hurt a lot to feel that I had lost a friend and someone I deeply cared about so abruptly. Also during this pre-Zambia time other friendships fell to the waste side as they got busy with jobs, relationships, etc. I found myself feeling alone, with no friend to talk to other than my mom. One day I did manage to talk to my roommate from school via Skype. She told me that this "loss" I was feeling could be a blessing. I agree with her now. This separation from those I cared for has prepared me to be open to the relationships I'm making now. I'll be in Africa later today and I won't be missing anyone. I'm thankful I don't have that distraction pulling my mind and heart away from the new relationships I've made and will continue to make. I'm thankful I see the light from the open window. I'm thankful to see the light in what I once thought to be a dark room.

[July 12]

We are on our way to Zambia now! Finally!! I'm reading through Isaiah and meditating on what the Lord points out to me.

Isaiah 50:4

The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

Isaiah 55:10-11

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater; so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

My God has given me an instructed tongue, to go and tell people about Him and His great love. Today I pray for boldness and confidence that God will speak through me. His words have power. His words can save. I pray that I am pushed out of my comfort zone, and that my faith will be increased. I pray that He will work through me in situations where my inadequacies are apparent. I pray God will use me to touch people and shower them with love as He has so beautifully done for me. I am here. I stand ready and eager to be used.

[July 10]

Galatians 6: 9-10

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Father give me strength to carry through this day. Help me to push through and love the people on my team even when I get tired. Bind our group together. Shower us with your love so we can then overflow onto each other.

Today I got a group of missionaries, aka MAG (missionary advisor group). It is such a blessing to really get to know these girls. It is a constant reminder that I can't do this with my own power. I need the Lord!!

[July 8]

Yesterday was long and nerve-wracking. I got to GE around 8:30. The bus was late to pick us missionaries up, so we missed registration and the announcements on where we would be sleeping, where our team was, where our bags were, etc. It felt chaotic and I was not excited. Somehow though, I met one girl named Brittany who became my "buddy". It was nice to find someone who kind of knew what they were doing. Still though, I shed a few tears, but only a few because I was confident things would be better in the morning. So far, thankfully, they have been.

Colossians 1:10-12 says this:

And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

After reading this I remembered how my family, friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ are praying for me. They are praying this prayer in the middle of my discomfort and not so happy attitude. They pray this because they love me. I pray this too. I pray that I can bear fruit that will benefit and encourage others in my actions. I pray that I will grow in my knowledge of the Lord, and grow in my faith in Him so that He can give me endurance and patience so I can run this good race. I'm ready! Use me! Teach me!

--------------------------------------------

I talked with my mom and Michelle Crissinger tonight. It was SO COMFORTING to hear the voices of people I love. When I got back to this metal dome (a giant sauna filled with bunk beds) I met a girl named Amy. She sleeps on the bunk across from me. She just got back from a trip to Japan where she helped with relief work. She graciously gave me her bug spray, sunscreen, left over baby wipes, and flavored powder to put in my water! Hooray! haha I'm incredibly THANKFUL right now. Together, we talked about her trip, both the encouraging and discouraging things she went things she went through. I just want to tell you now...this girl has the faith of Mother Teresa. I feel so very blessed because of her.

[July 7th on the plane to Dallas]

There are majestic clouds outside my window. Majestic is the only word I could come up with.

I met a girl in the terminal who is also going to Global Expeditions. Her name is Megan and she is going to Romania. Cool, eh? As I talked with her my nervousness slid off me, leaving me feeling free and excited as I now sit on the plane. Before boarding we got Bogangles which also probably aided me in feeling better. I scarfed it down just before we boarded and thought, "Oh this might be my last "real" meal for awhile!" I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for the training I will go through under the hot Texan sun and try to imagine what my time in Zambia will look like. Only time will tell.

I think back on the past few months...and stress comes to mind. I got stressed about getting the shots and prescriptions I needed and the flight that I'm now on booked. I just stressed...over...a lot. I remember worrying because everything seemed to rest in my hands. I put all the pressure on myself! What I didn't realize was that the whole time I was in the Lord's hands (as I will continue to be for the rest of eternity). Praise God! It is not me who is in charge of making things happen. It is the Lord. Now that I have given up the reign, I feel such an incredible freedom sweep over me. I pray I can remember my place. I am not in control, but I am in the safe arms of the One who is. Praise be to God.

[Our Hearts Are Full]

"Americans seem to expect that everything will be provided for them. For us," he said, "this ear of corn is a gift from God. This evening's rain is a shower of mercy upon us. This healthy breath is life-giving. And, maybe tomorrow we will not have such things, but our hearts are so full from God's provision." -a Kenyan man

[Love People]

I think everyone should watch this video. Really.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1378237514624&comments

[Thinking of You]

Little ones whom I hope to meet...I'm praying for you. I hope you come to know that you are deeply loved & that you are not forgotten.

[Happy Tears]

Last week, in the midst of trying to trust my Father, I freaked out. I panicked at my situation and the list of unknowns that sat before me. I called my mom and almost began to cry. I was stressed because couldn't find roommates for the next school year. And I was creating more stress by comparing the support that I had raised with how much money my roommate had raised (she is also doing mission work this summer). I kept saying, "I know God will provide", but in that moment those words were empty. I thought, "Maybe if I say it enough, I'll really feel it." I had asked just about everyone I knew about their future living situations and kept finding out people had already made plans, signed leases, etc. I didn't see how God was going to come through. I looked at the 25% that had been raised to for me to go to Zambia and I doubted God's calling for me to go. "At this rate", I thought, "how will I be able to get enough?" I realize now that I doubted He would provide for me because it was rooted in a deeper, quieter fear that the Lord did not love me personally. I continued to spill out my worries to my mom as she listened and poured encouraging words and love onto me in return. That night she helped me to see the hope that was ever-present in the situation, the hope that I had simply stopped seeing.

I walked back into my apartment that night, no where closer to knowing the answers to the questions I was faced with. However, I returned with a deep comfort, and was content with not knowing the future. I was blessed with the Lord's peace, but over the next few days I learned and discovered so much more.

The day after talking with my mom, I asked some friends if they had made definite plans for next school year...and if they had room for me. The next thing I knew, I was talking to two excited girls about places to live. God gave me roommates.

The day after that I checked the mail as I walked out the door for class, as is my normal routine. In the mailbox I found a letter from a friend. In it was a note that said, "Amanda, may your trip show God's unfailing love to all you meet! What a blessing you will be." With it was a check that put me at 75% of the support I need to go to Zambia. Okay, let's just pause and take in those 2 sentences. Maybe you'll want to read them again. Unable to move, I kept rereading the note and being covered with more encouragement each time. I was at a complete loss for words. I was blown away by my friend's immense generosity. I was amazed at their family's faithfulness to the Lord and how they... 1. trusted Him so much with their finances and 2. realized how they have been blessed and gave graciously to bless me, so that I can go and bless others. (It perpetuates the most amazing cycle ever.) In that moment being wonderfully overwhelmed, I-praised-God. I can barely describe how powerful this all really was, but it was so much more than an outward display of His provision. In that letter contained silent words from my Father, words spoken intimately to the deepest part of me...words to erase my doubt and fear...words to assure me of one Truth...words that said, " I-love-you."

Wrapped in the arms of my Father...and overwhelmed with His love and His blessings, I cried happy, joyful tears.

[Artful Thoughts]

Tonight, I'm trying my best to wait and be patient for the Lord. I look at the amount of money that's been raised so far and I rejoice! But at the same time I find myself getting anxious and think, "God, this isn't enough yet!" I'm praying for patience and peace, and as before more trust in the One who knows the plans for this whole thing. I'm praying also that He would stir the hearts of people near and far to donate to this mission. Tonight I'm realizing how much I need God.

[Trust]

I thought of Proverbs 3:5 today. It says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Now, that's a pretty popular verse. With it being popular, we humans can easily begin to glaze over the words and not let its' real meaning sink in. That's what I found I did at least. I, like many other Christians, have read that verse many times, but I've never really acted on it. But when those words randomly popped in my head today, I paid attention. So here's what I'm learning.

"Trust in the Lord", it says. My idea of trust has been to believe that God will bless me, that He will provide for me, comfort me during hard times, that He won't leave me hanging etc. But I've noticed in myself that I can reach a point where I want to take a hold of things because God's plan just isn't cutting it. I doubt that God is still working in my situation and I feel the need to act or "help God out". haha So silly. I then begin to do the second part of the verse. I lean on what I know about the situation. I start wanting to "fix" things and make things happen. In doing that I put my trust in my feeble, small, unfit hands. And you know what I'm learning that leads to? Stress. Failure. Exhaustion. Disappointment.

So what is real trust? Trust in its basic form is: the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. In this case, (in every case really) that someone is God. I like that the definition says "firm belief". It's a f-i-r-m--b-e-l-i-e-f. It's unyielding, unmoving. It doesn't change when things down look like they aren't working out. It doesn't stop after a certain period of time has passed and nothing has happened. It-doesn't-give-up.

It's my prayer that I would trust in the Lord more...that I would not be swayed by doubt or wanting to do things on my own. And that's my prayer for you too. Because if we submit to Him in all our ways, then He will make our paths straight as we walk with Him. And that, my friends, sounds like a glorious thing.

[T-Shirt]

If anyone wants to help support me to go to Zambia and tell other people about it, then this shirt is just for you! They're only $15 and all profit goes towards my trip! The awesome graphic was designed by my friend Savannah Holder, so these t-shirts are super unique. Buy one today and tell people about loving orphans and sharing freedom every time you wear it! :)

[898]

As of this very minute, you have helped raise $898.00 for me to go to Zambia. THANK YOU for all who are making this happen. I am so grateful for each one of you!

[The Honest Truth]

I've been wanting to write on here for the past week or so, but I've been lazy and at a lack for words. My initial intent of this blog was to share with you how God is working in me through this whole support raising process. Well, here I am, arms out, giving you a picture of it.

There are some days that are really encouraging. I've had moments where I have been moved to tears out of people's support for me. There have been times when I feel the Lord saying, "I will take care of my children" and being so comforted by that. But then...there are days that are just quiet. There are times when I think I'm the only one who believes this is worth supporting (although I know that's not true). I look at my little pack of stamps and think, "I don't know of anyone else to send support letters to." I wonder...on these quiet days...Did the people I sent the other letters to not get them? Did the letters get lost in the mail? Or are they just not responding? It's ok if they don't support me financially, but wouldn't they tell me they are praying for me?

My mind hops from one question to the next in a circulating web. With each one, my brow furrows more as I get tangled and stuck further with worry. But then....then a still silence comes. My head drops and I think, "Lord, what have I gotten into?" My eyes close. Today, I pray with deep concern, "Father, I know your thoughts are far above my thoughts. I guess our ideas of "success" look different too. But God I believe it's Your will for me to go to Zambia and serve. So please, on days like this, draw my attention away from the numbers of what I have and what I don't. Set my gaze on your promises. Set my gaze...on You."

[Support]

I need the support of my family and friends in order to do this.

Just out of curiosity I looked up the definition of "support" before writing this post. According to the wee little dictionary on my computer, the word support means: to give assistance to, esp. financially, to enable to function or act, to provide with a home and the necessities of life, to give comfort and emotional help to, to approve of and encourage, and to be actively interested in and concerned for the success of something. That's what I'm asking you to do. I'm asking you to support me and walk alongside me during this process and mission. During this time I really do need your comfort and encouragement! I need your approval and your interest in this. And as difficult as it is for me to say, I also need your financial support in order for this to happen.

The trip costs approximately $4,622. My first reaction to that was "wow". I know that is a lot of money, but it includes transportation, airfare, food, training etc. I'm praying that when I look at that number now I will think "Wow, this is going to be an awesome growing experience between the Lord and me!" Because sure enough...it's going to be!! Each day I'm having to trust Him more and more with the unknown. Thankfully, in doing so I'm becoming more comfortable giving up trying to do all this fundraising on my own and depending on Him. It's hard for me to let God handle all of this and trust in His sovereignty, but when I do...it's one of the most beautiful things.

Over the past couple days I've been blown away at how the Lord has provided. I picked up the first shipment of t-shirts this weekend. I talked to the guy who made them about hopefully having enough to get another "batch" made. I honestly thought, "I've put it up as my status on Facebook so many times. No one else is going to want to buy one." Well, I've learned how much I doubt God's provision because over the past 2 days I've gotten 20 more t-shirt orders. I'm completely blown away. I'm amazed, excited, and totally put in my place for ever doubting my God and His promise to provide for me. I'm also amazed at people's willingness to support me. A friend told me the other week, "I want to pay to help you tell kids about Jesus. And then wear a t-shirt about it." My eyes immediately welled up with joyful tears. Her support...and your support mean so much to me.

If you read this, I ask that you pray for me during this process. Pray that the Lord would work in me, teach me/correct me, and draw me closer to Himself. I also ask that you please pray for the children I hope to serve. Pray that the Lord would work to heal their wounds, to bring joy and love into their lives, and that He would reveal Himself to their hearts so that they would know [true hope].

THANK YOU for your prayers, your encouragement, and your money that are making this possible. I am very much humbled and grateful for it all.

[The Story]

Last semester I began thinking about what I was going to do this summer. I really wanted to take advantage of this huge block of "free time" and use it to serve my brothers and sisters. So, one day I began looking up organizations that had summer missions and asked many friends if they knew of any reputable ones. One friend highly recommended Global Expeditions. I went to their website http://www.globalexpeditions.com/ and looked at all the missions they offered. After narrowing down my search to the ones I was interested in, I kept coming back to the page on Zambia.

I loved the idea of being a mentor or an "older sister" to girls...especially because I have had such wonderful Godly women to look up to and guide me. While praying about which trip to apply to, my pastor at Eternal Church in Rock Hill gave a sermon about James 1:27 that calls us to help widows and orphans in their distress. While listening, the choice became clear and the mission became focused. I am to share Christ's love to orphans in Zambia! I am to listen to their stories, to show them they have not been forgotten, that they are valued by their King, and to share with them in the life of freedom that Christ has given us.