For the past 6 weeks I have been in a mild depression. Every day I would find my mind thinking of the kids in Zambia and how I wasn't with them. I missed them terribly. I cried to God a lot, not understanding why I was here, and not seeing my purpose. I talked jokingly with people from my team about dropping out of school and going back together. But there was such seriousness in my heart. I was deeply discontent here. I was terribly lonesome. And I thought being with those kids would make me better. With them, I could be happy again.
Slowly the Lord started working in me. I realized none of this was going to get better without Him. So, one day when my heart felt like it was going to break in two, I went straight to Him. I closed my eyes and imagined walking up to my (heavenly) Daddy, holding my heart in my hands. I lifted it up to Him and said, "Daddy, my heart hurts so much. Can you fix it?" He pulled me into His arms and said, "I already am Beloved."
After that, I experienced moments where I felt God hugging me. Not in the literal sense, but through things people would say to me. On days where I would think, "God, You've put such a clear desire in my heart to serve those in other countries. Why-are-you-keeping-me-here??" a friend would send me a message saying, "You are such a blessing in my life. Just thought you should know." I hated/secretly loved when the Lord would do that and say, "This is why."
A couple weeks went by and I was still very much dissatisfied being here. I love the people in Rock Hill, but if given the choice I still would have gotten on a plane to Zambia in a heartbeat. I missed the dancing, the singing, the smiles, and the realness of everything. I saw God working there so clearly and so incredibly that living here seemed mediocre. Living in a nice apartment, with a car, a computer, a shower, and clean clothes didn't seem like I could be taking part in "real" ministry. I felt spoiled and yet at the same time I found myself becoming more selfish and less concerned with the people around me. I wanted to be with the kids in Zambia. I wanted to serve them. I thought, "What could God do here? People are so blind to Him. They don't want to see because they are so caught up in themselves." And in that same thought I would say, "Lord, I'm just going to go back to Zambia. I may wait till I graduate, but I'm just going to go back. That's where I want to be and that's where you're really working in people's lives." I was clueless as to how bitter I was being and to how blind I really was.
On Wednesday that week, I went to help with the middle school youth group. Everything went well. As the kids got into their cars, Sophie (whose house we meet at) and I waved good bye to them. After they all left, she asked me how I was doing. I decided to be honest with her, and not answer with the usual, "I'm doing okay" that I had become so accustomed to saying. I told her about my dissatisfaction, my heartache, and my struggle in not knowing why I was here. She reminded me of the impact I had on the kids in the youth group and then asked if she could pray for me. I had no idea how the Lord would use her to pierce my selfishness and open my eyes. One thing she said that struck me was, "Lord, if Amanda goes back to Zambia now, You-will-not-be-with-her. Because You are doing work here." Whooohh. If I choose to go against where the Lord has called me (here) and go to Zambia right now, He-won't-be-with-me. He-will-not-support-my-rebellion, even if it is to love on orphans.
The next day I went to CRU. People had asked me if I was going, and while I didn't really want to go and be a part of community here, I went to avoid their questions of "Aww...Why not?" All throughout the sermon that night, the speaker referenced things that made me think of Zambia. My eyes filled with tears as he began to talk about the Lord's prayer in talking to us about how to pray. I thought how we had taught that to the kids and how eager they were to learn it. My heart began to hurt again. It tightened with pain. The speaker then referenced verses that happened to be a couple of the memory verses we learned with the kids. I remembered them saying with precious Zambian accents, "How great is the love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God." "This-is-too-much," I thought. I was almost in tears. I put my head in my hands and asked, "God, why would you bring up so much from Zambia? Why would you do this when it hurts so much?" He said....gently, yet clearly, "So you can see that I am here too. I am doing things here, Beloved. And I want you to be a part of them."
I was quieted by the Lord that night. I still am in reading those words again. Through this I have learned so many things, but mainly that my desire to go back to Zambia overshadowed my deep desire to serve the Lord. I went from saying, "Oh God, if I could have the tiniest role in Your plan, then I would be so honored. Doing something for You would be the greatest thing I could ever do!!" to essentially saying, "God, if Your plan doesn't include precious Zambian children, then I don't want any part in it. They are what makes me happy." It has taken 6 weeks of pain and struggle for me to learn that. And while I still miss the kids everyday, my joy does not come from them; It comes from the Lord. He reminds me of that each day now as He shows me people I can reach out to and love HERE. I am so thankful for the work He has done in me and the work that He will continue to do.
Praise be to God.
